[ there's a reply on the tip of kara's tongue, but he doesn't get the chance to voice it. the second their eyes meet, the world around them is swept away, and in its place...
The bell chimes, and Four is brought forward, darkness following in her footsteps. The corruption has already begun to take hold, but it doesn't matter now. She is already gone.
The rest of the day passes by unremarkably. Without Lili, you are left to your own devices, but you don't care about that, either. You sleep peacefully against the armory wall, surrounded by countless weapons without any master.
Morning comes.
You wake violently, breath caught in your throat, as you're hit with a tidal wave of feeling. You remember Shess and his wounds, and concern for the only friend you have left, the one you pushed away, makes your head spin. Your vision blurs with horror, as you think about the partnerless, how disgraceful it is, having the chance to fight the corruption wrenched away from them. You feel dizzy with indignation that Four, who killed so many, dared to scream of justice when she was condemned.
The thing that really steals your breath away, though, is something more familiar. There is no sword that doesn't know the acute sense of loss, when the day arrives that they can no longer protect their master.
Lili was no master of yours. She never would have been - but she was something else, equally important. Her words ring in your ears, demanding that you refuse to break. You answer, with a promise to meet her on Friday morning, before you both say goodnight. Your stomach ties in knots, making you feel ill with the strange mix of emotions. When did you get so attached to her? When did you start believing that, against all odds, she wouldn't abandon you, after all? Weren't they supposed to have time, to figure it out?
Disappointment rolls through you, waxing and waning like the tides. You should have known better, after centuries of being left behind. You're never allowed the time you want, no matter how desperately you wish for it. The corruption doesn't care for that, and neither does the mortality of all the humans you've ever cared for- you know that better than most. Isn't that why you've always pushed them away?
It's too much, all at once. It all bleeds together, until the only thing you can pick out is rage, with too many targets and none that he can cut down - the corruption, that stole Lili too soon, and gave her such a dishonorable death (though really, you are relieved that she didn't have the chance to kill). Shess, for failing to find anything useful (it's not his fault, you don't blame him; you didn't find anything, either, when it was your turn). Lea, for creating chaos in the last minutes of trial yet again (though it did give them four, who did kill). Emma, for cursing you (she meant well, you know that from her confession in the trial, but it doesn't make you feel any less murderous).
You stand, breath shallow as you take one step, two, and realize that you can't be here like this. Not in this village, not around these people, not when you're a hair's breadth away from drawing on the next thing (or person) who startles you. You have to go, but is there anywhere to go, that you can escape them all?
...There isn't, really. So you go with the next best thing, heading straight for the deepest parts of the volcano. The heat is stifling, even for a fire elemental, but you make full use of the boost it gives your powers, and channel this restless energy into your training. Flames dance across your steel, cutting through hot air as if that were the enemy, until you can't hold it anymore, and you sit against the wall, exhausted. After a while, you look down, and find a bowl of chazuke (it tastes just like Mitsutada's, and that, too, joins the whirlwind of confusion in your heart), and a single flower (which doesn't belong in a place meant to burn).
You rest there, for a time, but it's still too much. Before long, you find yourself back on your feet, blade in hand, calling on the flames once more to burn it all out.
...the memory fades, and there is nothing kara can say. so he stays silent, averting his eyes as he considers whether he should just. go. ]
Edited (SOMETIMES YOU JUST FORGET WHOLE WORDS) 2020-07-03 16:30 (UTC)
[ ...He's seen other trials, other executions, but this is different. It's not as a spectator, but as a participant, and Dimitri is carried through Ookurikara's memories like a tide. It's fraught and difficult, the heat hurts his lungs, but—how easy is it, to see a man like him and assume a stoic heart?
But of course a blade wants to protect. That is the finest function of a sword. Of course in the face of a perceived failure, he would feel anger, resentment, the ache of loss.
He speaks tentatively—he'd intruded on these memories—but does not want to remain silent for fear of seeming callous. ]
It is... difficult, isn't it?
[ He shifts his weight, though he keeps his gaze pressed ahead. What does it matter if they meet eyes, now? He's seen too much already. There is a certain understanding in his eyes, soft with compassion. ]
To be left behind.
[ ... ]
It is not the sort of thing that can be cut away. [ He can't excise the feeling with sparring, no matter how sharp a blade he may be. ]
[ anyone else, kara might turn away. only lili and shess have ever gotten this close before, besides another sword. it's not something that most humans would understand, anyway.
but dimitri very obviously respects a sword in the way that only a true warrior would. and warriors will always know what it feels like to lose someone, to fail to protect them. so ookurikara merely gives a resigned sigh, and nods. ]
[ Dimitri responds well to honesty—there's no reason for him to hide his feelings either, and he levels Kara with a sympathetic look before he sighs too. ]
Another reason to loathe these 'games.'
[ There's a low-simmering vitriol to his words, a certain bitterness he usually swallows back. ]
That sort of powerlessness... I can't stand it.
[ It lingers with him even after the island's ritual ended. ]
[ being unable to do anything, for someone who relies so heavily on action to get their meaning across, is a a bit like slap to the face. even as the death count rises, kara's always being told to wait - as if they had all the time in the world to figure this out, as if there aren't lives lost for every second they slam their heads against the wall. ]
I hated the village for it. But this place... it's worse.
[ It's awful. Waiting for some inevitable loss every week, trying to become close to everyone only to lose them—it's all unbearable. For those that want to protect others, it's torturous. His eyes are hard, but not cold—there's a sort of sympathetic fury burning there for a moment. ]
It is.
[ ...still, the anger ebbs a little. After all, it's not Kara he's mad at. ]
But for all that we suffer, please know that I am your comrade through it all. Perhaps you do not wish to befriend everyone, but... there is no reason to stand through this alone.
[ Even if losing Lili was painful. Even if any of them could die at any moment. ]
...It's inevitable that we lose people. That we fail to save or avenge them. But because happiness is often a transient thing—I think that is all the more reason to take it while you can, and protect it fiercely while you are able. [ People always go. But the fear of saying goodbye is no reason to reject them entirely. ]
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But of course a blade wants to protect. That is the finest function of a sword. Of course in the face of a perceived failure, he would feel anger, resentment, the ache of loss.
He speaks tentatively—he'd intruded on these memories—but does not want to remain silent for fear of seeming callous. ]
It is... difficult, isn't it?
[ He shifts his weight, though he keeps his gaze pressed ahead. What does it matter if they meet eyes, now? He's seen too much already. There is a certain understanding in his eyes, soft with compassion. ]
To be left behind.
[ ... ]
It is not the sort of thing that can be cut away. [ He can't excise the feeling with sparring, no matter how sharp a blade he may be. ]
no subject
but dimitri very obviously respects a sword in the way that only a true warrior would. and warriors will always know what it feels like to lose someone, to fail to protect them. so ookurikara merely gives a resigned sigh, and nods. ]
No, it isn't. It stays with you forever.
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Another reason to loathe these 'games.'
[ There's a low-simmering vitriol to his words, a certain bitterness he usually swallows back. ]
That sort of powerlessness... I can't stand it.
[ It lingers with him even after the island's ritual ended. ]
no subject
[ being unable to do anything, for someone who relies so heavily on action to get their meaning across, is a a bit like slap to the face. even as the death count rises, kara's always being told to wait - as if they had all the time in the world to figure this out, as if there aren't lives lost for every second they slam their heads against the wall. ]
I hated the village for it. But this place... it's worse.
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It is.
[ ...still, the anger ebbs a little. After all, it's not Kara he's mad at. ]
But for all that we suffer, please know that I am your comrade through it all. Perhaps you do not wish to befriend everyone, but... there is no reason to stand through this alone.
[ Even if losing Lili was painful. Even if any of them could die at any moment. ]
...It's inevitable that we lose people. That we fail to save or avenge them. But because happiness is often a transient thing—I think that is all the more reason to take it while you can, and protect it fiercely while you are able. [ People always go. But the fear of saying goodbye is no reason to reject them entirely. ]